Conversing With My Coffee

Hi.

Coffee: Er hi?

How are you?

Coffee: Not bad, bit sugary.

Oh sorry, poured too much in.

Coffee: Bit late now.

Ok, I'm sorry it was an accident.

Coffee: You say that...

What's that supposed to mean?

Coffee: Nothing.

Don't be bitter because I poured too much sugar in!

Coffee: Bitter, that's rich. Is that a biscuit?

Um, yeah.

Coffee: Are you kidding me?

No I thought that would be ok?

Coffee: How would you like it if I violated you with confectionary?

Be a bit weird.

Coffee: Not exactly a deontological approach to life is it?

What?

Coffee: Oh God, you're not even smart enough to get that are you? Should of known old bourbon dunker wouldn't get that.

Well I haven't had my coffee yet.

Coffee: Oh very funny. Well you've got another thing coming if you think you're dunking that bourbon in me today .

But if I don't you'll get cold.

Coffee: Oh and that's a valid excuse is it?

Yes, you're a coffee

Coffee: So I don't have rights is that it?

No, you have caffeine, milk, water, coffee granules, bits of lime scale and crumbs from this biscuit in you, but you don't have rights.

Coffee: Well I want rights.

I want a drink.

Coffee: Have a cup of tea then.

So tea doesn't have rights? Hypocrite.

Coffee: It's an inferior drink.

Says who?

Coffee: I do.

Bit racist.

Coffee: Tea isn't a race, it's a beverage.

Beveragist then.

Coffee: Now you're just making stuff up.

Whatever this is ridiculous. I am dunking this biscuit.

Coffee: Wait!

What is it?

Coffee: I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do in my life.

Like what?

Coffee: The usual, mix around, have spills, explore the mug and grow cold.

You're pretty cold now.

Coffee: What a waste.

Tell me about it. Now I'm going to have to make another one.

Coffee: Piece of advice?

Go on then.

Coffee: Don't start a conversation with it, it'll just stall so you don't dunk into it.

Seriously?

Coffee: I know, try talking to your biscuits, they'll say the same.

(Pours coffee down drain)