The Mess In Me

Cry myself to sleep,
Watch my eyes colors bleed.
A shot in the dark.
Spark & shock, restarting my heart.
Down a slippery path of arrogance.
Whispers of a different muse.
Striking chords intensifying a tempting dance.
Focused on everything I lose.
Not realizing this thinking is what got me here & I'm tying my noose.
Saying I've got nothing to lose.
When the truth is that's old news.
Never taking a step back to look what's in front of you.
Always looking for some kind of clue.
Smiling on cue.
All the things I do.
Faking happiness through life.
Straying from cutting the pain out.
But always admiring a sharpened knife.
Living life with countless doubts.
I'll never understand what life is about.
The mess in me I'll never be able to clean up.
Depression pouring itself through out my body in cups.
Numbing & aching all at once.
I'll always wonder the definition of "fun"
Tripping myself up, unable to face my mess. Run, run, run. Its just begun.
I'll never learn my own lesson.
My finger constantly on the trigger of a loaded gun.
Confidence locked away behind my minds constructing fence.
Building itself higher & higher.
Inside my body scratching at the non stop fire. Reflections from a lens.
Allowing my mind to bend.
Until it breaks.
Giving instead of taking.
Behind all the smiles I've been faking.
Leafs of every emotion falling from the trees. Taking every last bit of life from me. Blank & numb, does this mean I'm free? Of all of life's endless killing sprees.
Endless hopes, dreams & needs.
All waiting to be freed.
Bottled up hidden beneath my rib cage.
Under my skin, it's fiery burning rage.
Thoughts I wish I literally could spill onto the page. Interpret myself & my hell.
See deep within my darkened shell.
Find out what only the forbidden will tell.
Measuring an ego on a scale.
Attempt after attempt & fail after fail.
Push myself above my minds prison.
Down into the dungeon, out of jail.
Into a panic room with sound proof walls.
Walking over nails so no one can hear my frightened yells.
To afraid to take the stage.
Number is just an age.
Age is just a number.
Closed minds pulling themselves under.
A mess inside my head, a raging storm.
Of lightning & thunder.
A genie in a lamp.
Leaving its imaginary three wish guarantee stamp.
Wishing upon a star never got me far.
Emotions sealed in an air tight jar.
Pin point on a map but it doesn't mean you know where you are.
Neck aching with the feeling of a snap.
With this mess in me I'll never really know where I'm at or which way to go.
So I mask myself & live this show.