Trying... Maybe

I’ve been trying to get better. Trying is a funny word. Trying can have so many definitions, depending on the person. But, please all of you know, I tried.
I was clean for a month. And today? I washed it down the drain. It’s bad again. It’s worse.
Have you ever felt so trapped? Like you’re in the black nothingness. Everywhere you turn, it’s black. You feel like you’re drowning. You can’t tell which way is up or down.
I feel like I’m constantly crying. My eyes are glassy, puffy, tired. They itch. My throat feels like it’s on fire. My lungs are filled to the brim with water. Each breath I take feels new, fresh. I feel like I’m drowning, but it’s not bad. I like it.
Have you ever wanted to tell, but you physically can’t? Every time I open my mouth to tell someone, even you, my feelings, I can feel the hands tightening around my neck, crushing my airway. Ana whispers into my ear the consequences, how no one will believe me, how fine we are by ourselves. So, I push the word vomit down, swallowing hard. Nobody will believe me. Nobody.
I want to sleep forever. I can’t even begin to describe how I feel. I never will be able to. I always manage to mess things up. I am completely alone. I mean it. I just lost you again. And, I don’t know if I can handle this anymore. Not by myself.
I’ve been telling everybody how much better I am. I’ve been forcing it down their throats. Why do I lie all the time? I’m so good at it. Sometimes, I think i’ve convinced myself. I lie to myself all the time. I keep lying and lying and lying. I refuse to be weak. I refuse to let anyone know how much I’m struggling. How I can’t even get myself out of bed anymore. Honestly, I can’t. How breathing is a struggle, living is a struggle. Life is becoming too complicated for me.
I just want to be perfect. I want to be beautiful, skinny, loved, likable, perfect. That’s all I want, and I don’t care how much I lose myself on the way. I don’t care anymore.