Will

Of Major Sir Montgomery-Smythe
An army man, with a savings plan
Since 1945
The family were in attendance
Drunken son and fragrant wife
She always smelt of roses
Though she'd cheated all her life
A daughter there by videolink
For she lived in Brazil
With a washed up, so called movie star
Now sadly over the hill
Many other relatives
Had come to claim a slice
'Maybe one of his classic cars?'
'Ooo, wouldn't that be nice...'
The doorknob slowly turned
In walked Sir Nigel Bloor
A man who Monty had served with
And now his executor
'Right, you 'orrible lot' he said
'I'll only say this once
I know you're all expecting
A piece of Monty's bunce
I know you all quite well
And I also know your greed'
With that he put his specs on
And Sir Nigel started to read...

'To my daughter in Brazil
Who joins us here, by video
You played your game with whatshisname
But don't think I don't know
That though you had a fortune
It got spent on drugs and drink
But I'm not entirely heartless
You can have a fiver, I think'
'Now, to my drunken son
I was your bread and butter
You didn't have the time for me
Because you spent it in the gutter
You could have been so special
Now you're drunk, it pains to see
So here's another fiver
Go and raise a glass to me'
'And lastly to my wife
The lovely Lady Penelope
An awful mother, you loved another
And never cared for me
Yes I knew about it
Before death came to call
And with that in mind, my darling
You're getting bugger all'

Sir Nigel closed the letter
Put his hands behind his head
'I suppose you all feel better
Now that my mate Monty's dead
But he left one last instruction
You could say a surprise'
He opened up his briefcase
They couldn't believe their eyes
Bearer bonds and chequebooks
And the keys to the estate
All made out to Nigel
'You were my saviour, mate
You saved me from the Germans
Twice that fateful night
Nigel, I never did forget
That I said I'd see you right'
Sir Nigel stood, saluted
His friend Monty, sadly dead
The family had come for riches
But they left with nowt instead
I suppose the moral is
Entrust your pennies and your pounds
You'll only really know your relatives
When there's money to be found...