Coursing through my veins,
The happiness drains,
Body fills with dread,
Panicking in my head.
Depriving me of sleep,
Scaring down deep.
Hatred of that day,
When someone will finally say...
Head buried in the sand,
No one to hold my hand.
Knowing that it's coming,
Heart always drumming.
Hands shaking,
Earth quaking.
Head sweating,
Constantly fretting.
I'm holding on by a thread,
Filled with the worst dread.
It's finally here,
The thing I most fear...
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There's a bloody flame Licking in my eyes, And a sick knot Shredding my stomach. I think the sky isn't my answer. I failed that aspect again, And to reach for it now Is admitting defeat to myself.
When kantanka come My head is itchy buzz Eyes throb, swell-ache Afternoon long Fuse short Brittle mood snap, Barb jump out. Tolerance threaded On spiker tongue Nerves thread -fray Raw and plucked.
"once agin i pick up this pen........oh well, here we go again. Hanging here as i suspend. I will not be crucified again!!!. I cant keep my thought's together today??.
Panic attack because your safety has gone. Drug yourself up just for protection. Every minute seems like torture sitting with the stranger that is yourself. Fuck.
10:30pm antsy, pacing the room and studying every little nicknack on my bedside table...all I hear is my mother locking up for the night 12:06am anxious...I'm the only one awake.
Padded room,. Locked door,. Safe from harm,. Yet still. Insecure,. Drugs don't. Work,. Mind races,. She's walked. The room,. A million paces,. Not insane,. Just mixed. Messages,. Tap tap tap,.
New. Newer. Less. Fewer. I'll get slimmer. Skip dinner. Be the clear winner. Thin. Thinnest. Thinner. Thinner. Always thinner. Never enough. Always too much stuff. Too many voices. Too few choices.
On a low nowhere to go, Going stir crazy only I know. Pressure in my head, dragging me down Emotions in full flight, Losing the anger fight. Appetite on the floor, Want to slam shut the open door.
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