Dear Dad

The result of an affair was I
That meant without you, years went by
Yes you were there for me
But not like a proper father or daddy
Your wife blamed me for 39 years
There were bitter words and tears
I never understood how she never let me in
To share your life, I was a sin
You had your real family, I had mine
For many years that worked just fine
Over time I wanted to know more about you
So I could know more about myself too
I was not allowed to call you at home
We only spoke whilst you had the work phone
You would visit me, and would you
That was all we ever would do
Then you retired, a new chapter in your life
But I was not included because of your wife
I truly understand the hurt she must had felt
But I never chose the hand that was dealt
I am your daughter and you are my dad
A great bond we never ever had
As I thought that you should have stood up for me
But you wanted a quiet life, not a life of misery
Mum said once you retired, I wouldn't hear from you
But I still got calls out of the blue
Then you called me to say you were very ill
CANCER, my world just stood still
The calls grew less and less,
Over the phone you sounded so depressed
Then one day you said you was coming up
In my throat my words got stuck
To see you so old, frail and thin
That cheeky, happy chappy was gone from within
When you left for the first time ever
I cried over you...I've not done this...NEVER
I haven't heard from you now at all
I am so so worried not getting a call
I begged you to get someone to let me know
Should ever the worst happen, you were so low
I have sent a message to your mobile phone
You only ever use it when you are alone
But still no news and I worry and fear
That the words "your gone" I'll hear
So all I can do is pray for some news
My heart and mind all fragile and bruised