Pieces Of You

Little piece of you

All of my parents have died,
some of them still walk around
like nothing has happened,
like they are still alive
but I have mourned for them already.

When nana moved to Canada,
picked up and left
twelve years old I sat in her rocking chair
alone, bloody, bereft.
Who would teach me now?
Make me bobo,
toast and tea,
tell me stories of how easy life will be,
(when in reality, she had knocked over the first domino in a long line of catastrophies)

she left a little piece of her fire
sitting in the roof of my mouth
I was aflame for the first few years (ignited later, taunted still)
now, it just sparks up from time to time.

mother of my mother
grandmother of mine
a passion that would never expire our time
at seventy three in heels and lace
no one could replace the pieces you gave me.

then you, were unexpected
we just never saw the signs
the lines down your wrist
were a jelly fish sting,
I didn't know they were in season,
inland,
in the middle of the city.

you spent some time in the big house
the little house
full of big people
with bigger minds than their heads could hold.
I sat in your belly
for nine months (or more)
fed you mangoes and curry
until your gums were raw.

upside down and turned around
I left my cell in horror
perhaps it's this that made you mad
(perhaps I stole this piece of you)
mother, I knew you'd had enough
before I was born
you spilled sadness through my blood
I tried to take us both
so you wouldn't have to...

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
Gunpowder,
Treason
and plot
- hold on for the ride girl,
you'll get what I got.

Twice in the big house
thrice, but she lost count
medicated, fifteen years near sedated,
the demons now closing up shop,
this body has run its course.

unprecedented, unforeseen
the next one brought me to my knees
rubbed my face in the dirt
and kicked the wind right out of me.
four hours in the hospital
I remember it well
all kinds of wires
and liquids
sounds and smells.
I pretend I am dreaming
in case you can't tell
My dreams are my nightmares
and this one was hell.
We buried our heads in our hands
we couldn't understand,
but you, planned a trip to Disney world for the summer.

There are no more words
for this event
I died that day
my body spent
I refuse to breathe another day alone.

I have buried, committed and lost all of you.
ten paces my friend
keep your distance please
I have not the energy to grieve for you too
(and it's likely this won't end well)