Death Becomes Him

Anger, Rage, Shame...Depression all cld some up my past few days. Some moments were so low I contemplated being lifeless. Drunkenly easing behind the wheels of the S80 & guiding my car & my soul into the ever after. A fools way out? Yea I've heard it b4, fuck I've pry said it b4. But never have I ever been so low that I cld totally fathom y people do it. Maybe ur peeking n2 ur next life or running away from whatever plagues u currently. I at once felt lost & desolat ...alone in the world. And although I'd b missed, everyone wld eventually 4get...maybe bring me up in conversation from time 2 time...like "hey, remember that 1 guy...Justin was it" but yea...felt I didn't deserve 2 b here. That I was no good 4 ppl. Yea I've touched lives but was it really 4 the greater good? Have I caused more pain than bliss? I still can't say 4 sure. But 4 those long drawn out moments I had found an option...a viable solution. Sadly my undoing was my own fault. Caused by my insecurities , lack of judgement. Nothing about it gratifying. Just something else 2 gnaw & my last little bit of sanity. My blackened heart ready 2 burst at seams. Some days I wake up & see failure all over me, tho ppl shower me with love & devotion I see a different version of me than wats apparent in their eyes. 2 me I'm still the fat kid on the playground nobody wanted 2 play with. Sadly that still clouds my vision. It's half the reason I turned 2 music 2 begin with. Music made me cool & flawless. But in reality...I'm still me & I have a lot of work 2 do...