Sorry For This

"It sucks because I was getting better, but now it's getting worse"

I hate complaining, and I was promising to myself that I wouldn't come onto Opuss again until I had something positive to say. I apologise for pushing this into to world, but I find it easier, even pleasant, to write here. It feels free and empty - in a good way. I can feel myself curdling at the thought of complaining about life because it's so precious, but I've nothing left to do. I want to be creative, and my hands are failing to produce any drawings of quality, but writing is always raw and truthful and beautiful. Even when it's tragic and upsetting, it's still beautiful.

I have family who live in Spain, so I sometimes go out there to visit. You have to sleep with your window open in the summer because the heat is borderline unbearable for an English girl who enjoys the cold. One of the things that comes from this, is every morning at 11am you hear a donkey making the most ungodly, yet comforting, sound. I've never seen this donkey but it's always there in the distance. That's kind of how I feel. It's as if I pop out from inside limbo every now and again, just to show everyone that I am, in fact, still alive. That's how depression is taking form. Disconnection. Foggy, empty, silent.

Not to mention brain chatter, that's something I'll probably die from. It's the weirdest thing, brain chatter, it's as if you're brain just goes one hundred miles an hour and you can't keep up. You feel very frantic and on really bad occasions you physically embody that and become very erratic. I had a very strange experience today, I don't think this will make any sense, but it's felt like my brain chatter had moved down into my arm and it was uncontrollably shaking. The only way to get any relief was to exaggerate the movement, but keep that up and your arm hurts.

I also started seeing things again. When I was deepest in depression, I would see things, black figures out of the corner of my eye. It would normally be and animal or human, and it would only last for a split second. I do still see things but it's very rare, and I only tend to see them more frequently when depressed. I had a weird one last night though, this one lasted for longer that usual. I saw something to my left, and as I slowly turned to look at it, it just stayed there. It wasn't an animal either, it was a black circle with three yellow lines in the centre. It freaked me out, and still does to think about it.

Writing is helpful, and again I'm sorry.