The Music Of Lies - #2

The rain spatters the window of classroom, making a gloomy day gloomier still. Miss Roberts is at the front of the room, explaining that today we're going to be doing a comprehension sheet for the film of Macbeth we just struggled through in the past few weeks.

But I'm only giving her a third of my attention. My mind is on other things.

I'm thinking about that Sunday morning two weeks ago, when something changed inside me. Or more accurately, something was born.

The lesson passes quickly, whilst I meditate about that strange happening. I'm in such a stupor that my partner, Jack, has to remind me that the lesson is over.

'What? Oh right, yeah, Ok.'

We move off to our next lesson. I even forget to say my usual 'Thanks, goodbye' to our teacher. I can't stop thinking about that morning. Was it a dream or did it happen? Or am I just going mad? These questions bombard my brain as I make my way to French. The next two lessons pass like a mountain stream, flowing past me, leaving a blurred recollection of events. Questions asked, note taken, work submitted.

Although it's been two weeks, I can't stop thinking about it. It seems to go away completely, making me feel like I was imagining it, then it makes a comeback, rising inside me like panic and then, as suddenly as it came, it diffuses back into the murky depths of my mind.

Now as I walk meander towards Art I feel it rising again, and with it, like the piper with his children, comes the usual parade of fear, panic and anguish.

'I'll meet you there,' I say to Alice. 'I need the loo.'

''Kay.'

I go to The Black Hole. Whenever I feel it rising I do my best to be alone, because I have no idea what I might do if someone interrupts me when I'm concentrating on pushing it back down into my gut. Or to be more accurate, what it might do. The Black Hole is a corridor in the History and Geography building which leads to a fire escape. There's only one light an it's entrance and it's never on, meaning it's pitch black and thus earning it the name. Kids usually use it to hide during P.E. or Games of they've forgotten their kit or simply don't want to do it. But It's not Games now and I just have to prey nobody's trying to skive P.E.

I grope my way through the darkness until I can see the dimly shining fire escape sign, two ghostly white handprints standing out from the dark mass that is the fire escape double-doors.

The corridor wall sinks in to my right, creating a tiny corner which creates a hiding place for anyone who might look into down here. I curl up there, sitting down on the floor and readying myself for what's about I happen, a rise of panic and excitement in my stomach, crawling up my chest. And hidden amongst that tide is the Darkness. That's what I called it. It's the only way I could describe it. The Darkness. My darkness.

The murmuring begins inside my head, like a thousand voices whispering incoherently but gaining shape, gradually becoming something. The voices belong to it. Then a louder, clearer voice. Soft as a baby's skin and seductive as that perfect jawline. It calls to me and talks to me and tries to make succumb. It's done it so many times before I know what I do. Ignore it. Whatever it says, whatever it promises it's a lie.

'Amy... Come on Amy, let's go out for a movie tonight, eh? You me and Seb...'

It impersonates my friends, my family and parents, but that voice retains the cool, enticing tone. My eyes begin to darken though there is still a trickle of light, and I haven't closed them. It's dragging me down into its world, trying to take me. But this always happens, and I always pull back.

Only just.

The voices are fading, or more like combining, echoing through the shadow I find myself in. A figure shimmers into view, not quite there not quite gone. The Darkness gradually calls on my worst fears, my greater hopes. It's the usual patten. Starting off with friends, eventually moving onto the one I love, my sister and mum. This time the Darkness has chosen him. He appears now, that kind of awkward walk, his shy expression touching my heart the way it always does. The one who doesn't love me back because he can't. But I can see it in his eyes, a cold emptiness he could never harbour. It's when he starts talking that I have to properly fight it. I don't make any more eye contact, instead looking at his feet. His words taunt me, words he would never say. That's the flaw in the thing's plan. Trying to bribe with my lies won't work.

He's tantalisingly close. I can see his black shoes right in front of me. I could reach out and touch him, hug him if I wanted to, but that's what the Darkness wants. It's getting too much, I have to fight back now.

'No.' I say. The boy stops talking. 'No.' I say again, monotone 'Im not going with you.'

The boy is silent for some time. The shadow-world gently pulses around me. My heart is unnaturally loud, my head throbbing, but my thoughts are clear. I'm not giving in. He starts speaking again, but his voice his quiet. Not for long: it gets louder, higher pitched and more urgent, the silky seduction is transforming, turning into a raspy flow of abuse and rage, and reading between the lines, listening carefully I can see what it's really saying behind all the irate screeches.

'Give in to me!' I no longer know the person standing in front of me. It's a mass, a cocktail of people I love and hate, my mind attacking me directly from my brain. But I know this is the last wave. After this onslaught it ends.

The blackness around me goes into a turmoil, spinning and raging and i feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane. The figure has been dismembered, it's shape torn back into the shadows that rip at me with a hunger. The voice joins with the chaos and becomes a wild death note of a wail.

And just like that, it's over. I feel like I'm falling back into my body after being outside it, my head swimming as I come back to my senses. During my little episode I'd curled into a foetal position, my eyes shut tightly as if that would stop the Darkness. I feel shaky, my stomach slightly nauseous, like I've just had a bout of vomiting.

After waiting for a while just to make absolutely sure it's over, I get up on trembling legs and make my back out to the light. It feels refreshing after the spathes of the fire escape, and I feel my heart lighten slightly. I've left the Darkness behind now, back in that pit of despair.

At least, for now.