@doomeddreamer

Google

Dear google. Please stop behaving like my wife. Allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing/suggesting..

@mirsabwasim

Where's Uranus?

One day John went up to his wife and said can I see Uranus . His wife said where's Uranus . At the top of your legs ur anus.

@MrKieronStewart

Neutrino In A Bar

The bar man said "Hey, we do not serve your kind here." A neutrino walks into a bar..

@imma_storyteller

awkward.

Those times your sat down and you desperately need the loo and can't be bothered to go, and when you eventually can be bothered, you wet yourself while you're getting up. -awkward-.

@Stenataar

Binary Code

11 things to remember in binary: 1. Binary is Base 2 10. Only 0s and 1s are used 11. 0=off and 1=on.

@lixcab

Attention Span

I have a hundred apps and use five..

@waynedoz

I Said, I Said, I Said...

"I say I say I say... My wife's gone to a time paradox." "Jamaica?" "No, she went back in time and her past self told her to go there when she reached the present.".

@ohitsmarcus

A girl who washes her hair with bicarbonate of soda tells her brother that she does so. Her brother asks her why. She responds "I like to get back to basics.".