Her Lips Were Set In A Thin White Line, Cracked, Dry, And Hopeless

Can anyone make sense of me right now? The whole world is spinning, my head is spinning, my thoughts are spinning. I can't get my bearings.

Sometimes I get these brilliant thoughts. I carry them with me through the day and then they crumble. They get carried away with the wind. Lately, that's how my life feels. It feels like I have everything figured out one minute and the next I have no idea where I am or who I'm supposed to be. Who am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to be happy? I don't even know what 'happy' is anymore. I haven't felt it in a long time.

It's like a big hole has been punched through my chest. I have no control. Not over my emotions, my thoughts, my actions. I'm not in control anymore. When I think about my life, I see nothing. It's blank. I am nothing, I have always been nothing, I will always be nothing. How can you be numb but in pain?

Sometimes I don't know who I am. I don't remember who I'm supposed to be. It's sad. I've always known who I wanted to be.

I don't get it. It's like a hurricane went through my body, ripping, shredding, killing everything. I am not okay anymore. I haven't been okay for a long time. Sometimes I can trick myself into thinking I'm okay, that way others will believe it easily.

My head is a mess, thoughts flying, feelings flying. I can't get a grasp on anything. Life hurts. I can't think of any reason to keep holding on. I can't think of any reason to keep breathing.

I sometimes think of my feelings as a pit. A black nothingness pit. If I'm feeling okay, I'm not so far into the pit. If I'm feeling like there is no hope, I'm far into the pit. Right now, I'm so far in I'm afraid I'll never find my way back out. I don't know which way is which. That's a sad feeling. Not knowing how to control your own mind, your own body.

Why am I so messed up? Can somebody please explain it to me.

I want to sleep for a thousand years. But I can't. The voices are too loud, they're overpowering. They're screaming so loud I can't hear anything else. All I can do is nod along. I want them to stop right now.

I have to force my body to get out of bed. I can't live another day.

Ana is my only friend. She's going to make me beautiful, perfect. I only see a disgusting, fat, worthless pig. I'm sorry everybody. That's I'm such a screw up. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry I'm not fun anymore, I'm sorry I don't laugh with you, I'm sorry I never want to do anything, I'm sorry I'm so mean at times, I'm sorry that you waste food that isn't going to get eaten, I'm just sorry. I'm sorry for even being alive. Tonight, I have given up.

I'm sorry for ranting. I'm sorry you can't make sense of it. I'm just sorry.