Pain #3

-Hiding Feelings-
I've always hid feelings. But especially when I wasnt eating. I put on one of masks, that told everyone that "I was a normal teen girl, who was having fun with friends, not the slightly messed-up teen girl who hadn't eaten all day." Other masks I put on is when I was extra upset some days and hanging out with certain friends, (some who really triggered me). I have this friend called Katie [not real name. I haven't used any real names in here and my name "Jamie" is actually just a pen name]. Katie is SO skinny. She's pretty, has a really good taste in fashion, and is in my opinion, the biggest attention seeker that ever walked this earth[maybe I'm just jealous or something but I'm pretty sure she is legit seeking attention]. Anyways Katie is loved by many doting guys, and envied by many girls [including me ]. The thing is though that she is "depressed" as she calls it. I wouldnt use that word. Again, I think a lot of it is just attention seeking. But everyone swallows it! Including my best friend [Poppy]. Poppy is a naive, "nice" girl who only sees what's on the surface; never digs deeper. Poppy loves Katie. (in friend way). And she always wants to HELP Katie, when she's sad. But i am past the point of being able to tell when Katie is legit sad or whether she's attention seeking. And, I always wonder whether or not Katie has an eating disorder... she eats, but what she says can make we wonder sometimes. It feels like I'm crying inside, so so messed up and Katie gets all this comforting for what seems to be, petty things. It's not that I want to tell everyone everything, I just want them to acknowledge that not just Katie breaks. Now I know I sound like a horrible monster up there so I'm going to move on.
Theres this older girl I know through my church. At a youth group one time, I was really broken. I was tired, I was emotional. I had only had 6 calories that day; carrots. In worship I was weary. I didn't totally drop my mask but it was fading and Alyson [youth group leader] saw through it. I couldn't tell her then, because if I did, my mum would be told and I couldn't risk that. She comforted me though and despite me not telling her what was wrong, she comforted me and helped me. Later, after I was found out, I told her, and for some strange reason I told Katie too. Much more was said to Alyson though.
If you want me to ask some questions, I'll answer them in the next post, and also, I'm not sure if I will continue doing this? whether I should write a story instead? and do people actually read these? I mean I know they get pretty long so I'm not sure. Comment your opinion:) if u did read all of this haha