Letter For T.

Dear T.

Well it's been a while. I'm still writing letters and I hope that despite the odds this one reaches you.

It was your birthday a few weeks ago. I only realised today...my bad. But as you know, most of the time I dont even know what day it is. Hours merge together and time blurs and before I know it, I'm another year older and none the wiser.

I saw one of your dopplegangers on the train this morning. My heart stopped for a split second before my staring seemed to make the young lady infront of me feel uncomfortable. And I forced myself to snap out of it.

Years have passed since we've spoken, you would have thought I'd forgotten about you by now. And sometimes I wish I could, but no one will let me.

What's really annoying is when I rarely bump into someone we knew. And they'll rub my arm and say "hey remember that time you and T did that thing...etc".

Some of the time I'll have no idea what they were talking about. But all of the time I feel incredibly guilty.

It's as if when you left people started to recreate the reality of our story before you upped and left.

They talk about us as if we were one person. But you and I both know how opposite we could be.

They talk as if we were some sort of star crossed lovers.
We were'nt Romeo & Juliet.

Really, we were just a couple of teenagers who fell in (what we believed to be) love. I honestly don't know if it was love, or something else. If it was, I know for sure you loved me more than I loved you, I'm not going to lie to you...or me.

I've seen other girls since, and I'm still none the clearer. Sometimes I'll even meet someone who I would cut my heart out for. And then they'll do something so fucked up that the next day, I'll want to cut 'their' heart out.

One of my lecturers once told me that we are all a result of everyone we meet in life.

I wonder if that's true.

Some of what he said made at least some sense.

I acquired my distaste for bigots from my friends.

My glare and sharp stare from my father.

My tense walk from my Karate teacher.

My refusal to put up with bullshit from my brother.

My sympathy towards lonesome people from my mother.

My lack of trust from that guy who nicked my wallet.

My love of words from the teacher who nurtured my love of books.

My solemn attitude...well I think that comes from a few people I've met.

If any of that is true I wonder what I would have gained from you? I guess in theory I probably would be a completely different person.

I'd have traded my glare for your curious gaze. My short smile for your dorky grin. My tense walk for your swaying lope.

Would I still be in London? You wanted to go and explore the world. Maybe I would have dissapeared with you and we would both had been hippies in some commune somewhere...

I graduated uni in London...I know if you had stuck around you would probably have gone somewhere like Cambridge or abroad. Would we have drifted apart anyway?

I guess I would have liked it if you were still around because I know for sure that you would have made me a better person than I am.

As you've probably guessed I am still a man of science but sometimes I let my mind wander and think, "what if".

I doubt there is an afterlife. At least not an afterlife in the way we all conceive it. But if by the slightest chance I'm wrong (and I hope I am).

I'll see you there.

I miss you T.

Goodnight. x