Depersonalisation

~This poem is about Depersonalisation, a mental illness that I suffer from where I feel disconnected from my body. A lot of people who smoke weed develop it, but I attained it sober. I want to raise awareness for it as it is a very unknown and misunderstood illness.~

These disconnected hands,
They do as they please,
I watch them moving
With supernatural ease,
I'm not controlling them,
I'm a viewer of a screen
Disconnecting me from these hands,
These hands I want to redeem.

Move! I tell myself,
But I only float,
Grounded feeling gone,
I'm as unstable as a boat
On tempestuous seas,
I ride without a grip
On my own reality,
Please just let me slip

Back to what's normal,
Back to solid me,
Where my body is controllable
And my mind doesn't flee.

How I wish for normality
All the time,
How I wish for this illness
To not be mine,
But at any moment
I know I will trip,
Fall off of what is real
And lose my grip.

I wait until the next episode,
Knowing it will come,
Knowing I'm its victim,
Knowing I can't run.

These hands are mine for now,
Dexterous and real,
But I will always fear those moments,
Those moments I can't feel.