Gentlemen's Etiquette

As it's also known, the loo
The place to perform etiquette
For gents, ladies, not you
Say, for instance, there's four traps
Or urinals as they're known
(This ain't for you if you need to poo
You'd best move to the throne)
You're in there on your lonesome
You'll pick trap one or four
The closest to the window
Or the closest to the door
You chose trap number one
Then if another gent comes in
To pick any other trap but four
Would be a mortal sin
Etiquette dictates
Even if he is your brother
You'll look around the toilet
Anywhere but at each other
Hopefully he'll bugger off
Before you end your pee
'Cos to be the last man standing
Is a mini victory
If he's standing at trap two or three
He must have something more
Than you've got, sadly dangling
Limp at trap number four
If trap one, two, four are occupied
And all that's left is three
It'll turn into a cockfight
You're a braver man than me
Etiquette dictates
That if secrecy's your thing
Find the open cubicle
And the comfort loo seats bring
So here's your handy guide
To Gentlemen's Etiquette
Try to go at home, you know
That's the safest bet