A bit of a rant...
Would you change yourself if you could? Just completely change everything if you got the opportunity. Your name, your looks, your personality, your nationality. Would you change it all if you could?
I would. In a heartbeat. I've done some thinking lately and I've come to realize that my problems aren't with the world or other people. They're with me. And it's a bit tough to solve your problem when it's yourself. It's been plaguing me for a while, this sense of self-hate. I literally hate everything about myself. All of it. I don't know if any of you feel this way too, but I can't even describe how it feels to look in the mirror everyday and just feel utter contempt and hate for the person you see staring back at you. Because no matter what I do, she'll always be there. It's hard. It really is.
And what makes me feel even more terrible is that I know that there are others out there who feel so much worse and are going through much tougher things and that makes me feel incredibly guilty. My problems cannot even compare to theirs and yet I can't find the strength to overcome my own. I guess it's because I have so much hate for myself that I don't even feel the need to save me. I'm worthless. So that's why I just wish I could pack up and leave. Leave the country, or even the planet, just leave and go somewhere where I can just start fresh and be the me that I wanted to be without any complications. I plan on going far away when I'm older, as soon as I can. I don't know what I plan on doing. I don't know where to go. I don't know how to get there. And the worst part is, wherever I go I will always be with myself (if that even makes an sense) but at least I'll be able to leave my past failures behind. Small fragments of the failed me. I might even change my name. Get rid of everything to do with me, estrange myself as much as I can, just trying to escape. It's pathetic, I know...but I just don't know what else to do.
If you read through all of this...thank you so much. You don't even know how much it means. I doubt anyone will, but whatever. This post will most likely be deleted soon. I'm a bit hysterical right now. Goodbye, I don't know how much I'll be on Opuss from now on. I might not really be on at all, or I might use it a lot to get these feelings out. We'll see.
Sorry for wasting your time.
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