I know it will all be better in the morning, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as I write. After all-isn't my glass usually half full?
No, not tonight.
I've tried to fight it, but with the late hour the darkness descends ever rapidly on my mind.
I'm tormented by the past, present and as yet, the unknown future. So much has already been dealt with mentally, but in these torrid episodes of despair, every box in my mind that conceals heartbreak, shame, disillusionment and broken dreams.....start to open all at once.
I can see them in my minds eye labelled and all stored neatly. And then one by one the lids of each gently open-not in a threatening manner-but as if to say 'we're always here....and we need to remind you'.
And so I drive.
But even then I can't escape, because there are signs everywhere. The lights are red and I am alone.
Next to me is a retail park.....I stare at the empty car park, each row lined with a token set of trees, designed, I suspect, to make us feel 'at home'.
Except tonight I don't feel that.
Every tree with its green leaves and new buds, each straining for light and purpose inbetween the endless daytime cars and people who don't give a shit....each and every tree is out of place here-they don't belong.
And I choose one tree out of the fifty or more that are identical...and I make it mine-because tonight, THIS is how I feel.
The lights have turned to green and then to red again, but I'm still alone, and so I sit. There's a sign on the side of one of the stores-lots of words printed over and over, but the main one in block capitals, staring at me is
'FIX'
Fuck me-could that be any clearer?? Can I pop in and buy a latch for all these 'mind' boxes? And maybe while I'm there, a tree of my own? Yeah-that'd take care of it ALL.
Consumer bullshit.
My box of 'disillusionment' is now overflowing-I'm on a roll!!
The restless part of my heart is ignited too-the dangerous part of me.
This is the reckless 'live today' side that has got me into so much trouble over the years. I want to call him-but I know now I won't. Too many times before we started and ended..and started and ended this way. A classic case of 'can't live with and can't live without'. I know I can't be with him, because 80% of the time he doesn't make me happy.....it's just that the other 20% is the happiest I've ever been.
What a mindfuck.
In days gone by I'd have been pissed and high by now, in a desperate bid to drive out the demons. Instead, I drive on and park the car high up on the hills, so I can look down on the twinkling lights of the sleeping town..& the next one beyond in the distance. For once the air is warm and smells of summer and even though this makes me happy, I let the tears start to flow. Sometimes you just have to let that happen, because afterwards, for me at least, I feel new again. Succumbing to the sickening sobs of my heavy heart is like a surrender, and trust me, I don't give in often.
So I head home with Fisherman's Blues blasting out, and I too wish I was 'far away from the dry land, and it's bitter memories....'
I plough through my mental catalogue wondering how it gets to this, and I'm reminded of words from long ago-
'Remember when we'd just begun
Remember when we rode the sun?'
And I'm back there again.
I'm young, the sun is shining, I'm in love and I can conquer the world!
Life is simple.
And for just a moment, all is well.
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