I'm On This Earth For A Good Time, But Not A Long Time. ???? The Joker In The Pack
I went down to see old Slipalong Trevascus the other day and told im that I thought me new bird might be the one for me but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a french maid's...
Last Thursday night 3.00am there was a knocking on the door, I went and opened it and there was a drunk who asked me to give him a push, it was pissing down and freezing cold so I told him to...
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardensfuneral, a voice from inside screamsIm not dead, Im not dead.
Went home last night and my wife suggested I geta penis enlarger. I am meeting a blonde 21 year old nymph tonight..
In 1986 Peter Davis was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from University.
Brought a dog from a blacksmith today, took it home, and straight away it made a bolt for the gate.........
Two WPC's are out and about on foot patrol with their alsatian.One says "I'm getting a bit cold and i've left my knickers at the station."The other one says "Use the dog, give him a sniff of your...
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night, when there is a knock at the door.When he answers, a tramp asks him for a toothpick.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replied, "Yes, caffeine." The interviewer asked him, "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" He replied, "Yes, I was in the...
Judging by the weather outside, I think the drought is now over Unfortunately I fear the sun has been washed away.
You're a 19 year old kid. You're critically wounded and dying in the jungle somewhere in the Central Highlands of Viet Nam .. It's November 11, 1967. LZ (landing zone) X-ray.
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Biker : "What do you think.
EMPLOYEE NOTICE: Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, National has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 55 years of age and above on early,...
Life is not measured by the breaths we take. but the moments that take our breath away.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
Denzil says to Louie "I'm getting circumsized tomorrow" Louie says "Well I had it done when I was just 2 days old" Denzil said "does it hurt" Louie said "No but I couldn't walk for 18 fcuking...
It was the school teacher's birthday and all the children had bought a present.The florest's son bought a bunch of flowers, the grocer's daughter bought a basket of fruit, the baker's daughter bought...
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I...
Two brooms hanging in a cupboard and were having a chat and decided to get married They arrived at the church the bridebroom looking gorgeous in a long flowing bridebroom's dress and the...
In my next life i want to live it backwards.You start out dead and get that out the way.Then you wake up in an old peoples home feeling better every day.You get kicked out for being too healthy.Go...
Last night we did 164 covers Two chefs Two waitress Not on!!!!!.
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!.
A blonde drops off her black dress at the cleaners.On the way out the door the assistant says "Thank you come again"The blonde says "No it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch".
A young lad went to his father and asked the difference between Theoretically and RealisticallyThe father thought and said "Well son go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a...
And on the 8th day God invented an orgasm So a woman could moan even though she is happy.
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
Just finished my shift at 1400 today, went down the cellar to get changed, came back up and was told the we have a visit from Environmental Health.
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When...
Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
Women; Three weeks before; Book hair, nail, eyebrow appointmentBuy hair colourSearch e-bay for new outfitLook at your womanly physique in the mirror...
I was travelling home at 2.00am when I was stopped by the police, he asked where I was going so I explained I was on the way to a lecture on alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,...
>Why I am Divorced?>>Last week wasmy birthday>>I went downstairs for breakfast>hoping my husband would bepleasant and say,>'Happy Birthday!',>and possibly have a small present forme.>>As it turned...
My brother is in his 40s (somewhere) He was married, giving his wife money to pay all the bills..........so he thought.
The wife asked me what i was doing on the computer, I said "looking for cheap flights", and she got all excited, Which is odd, as i never knew she had an interest in darts.
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows: 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.
A group of girlfriends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time...
Words of kindness Words of hate Any of these words will seal our fate This little thing popped into my head after reading "The Power Of Words" by sjw.
A happy ending is a story that's not yet finished.
Next year is the 110th Anniversary of Harley Davidson And one place it's being celebrated is in Rome, in June.
If once in every life time Comes a girl like you Then Reincarnation is not working for me.
I think Grandad has been at my box of chocolates again All the soft centres have gone And the hard centred ones have had the chocolate sucked off.
Well all the holidays cloths are washed, dried and ironed The only thing I can't seem to dry is my passport , I left it in my denim jacket and it got a good washing.
Lets enjoy life and don't live a complicated life. Life is too short. Work as if it was your first day. Forgive as soon as possible. Love without boundaries.
It's good to see more authors pictures now Come on the rest of you, you can't be that ugly ?. Or can you.……lol.
Essex girl & boy are playing hide & seek,girl sends boy a text. "If you find me, you can make love to me…………If you can't, I'm in the shed"!.
Spent an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond..
I think my girlfriend has Photo Sensitive Epilepsy. Just shown her a photo of me shagging her sister and she had a f#cking fit..
Portugal was great sun sun sun and loads of bikes I see I have a lot of catching up to do with what's going on here and with people's posts One thing I have noticed loads of picture changes ??.
I'm off for a few days guys Promise me Opuss will still be here when I get back Play nicely guys.
Today is a new day. So let's get cracking. On the poetry highway. And on stories we are lacking. Let's move forward and quickly. Leave the past behind us all.
Paul, Dave & Steve were sitting around a camp fire, discussing who was the hardest.Paul said, "I killed a bear with my bare hands".Dave boasted, "I wrestled 2 adult crocs, gouged out their eyes and...
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, ''Windows frozen." Husband texts back, "Pour some luke warm water over it.'' Wife texts back, "Computer completely fucked now!".
Just been offered 8 legs of venison for forty quid. Just wondering. Is that too Deer..
I was sat in the pub when I told a mate that my girlfriend had committed suicide, today. He said, "Did she leave a note?" I said, "Yeah, there were a few in her purse. What you having?".
The hangman's noose is very loose. The poor wretched man is kept hanging around. Waiting for his neck to snap. People all around feel deprived, they didn't the sound they were hoping for.
Here it comes, the rain. Beating on the window pane. Why are our summers like this. It really is taking the piss. I brought a bike so I could ride. In a seat made of cowhide.
50 bikes turned up to escort Cryste, who was in a coffin done in H-D colours, which was in a hurst being pulled by a trike. Awesome.
Bike is shiny Boots are clean Flowers are sorted Black ribbon fluttering in the wind Off to say goodbye to a friend.
In Asda shopping with the wife yesterday when she called me a "bone idle f#cking lazy sod",..... I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley..
When i was 14 my dad caught me smoking. He made me smoke the whole pack. Wish he'd caught me making love to a girl guide..
Phone rings........woman answers.................. pervert breathes heavily. "Have you got a tight unshaven twat?" Woman replies "Yes... he's watching the TV, who shall I say is calling?"....!.
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish "i want to live forever" i said. "sorry" said the fairy "i am not allowed to grant that particular wish" ....
Paddy comes Home from work to find his wife propping up her washing machine on one side with 2 bricks "What the Fuck are you doing asks?paddy.
Renault & Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for Women. Mixing the 'Clio' & the 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
On holiday in Thailand, I had a close call and almost ended up sleeping with a Ladyboy. She looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, and I didn't suspect a thing.
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the two decide to go the doctor to find out why. After a number of tests and questions, the doc suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.
Impossibility in the world 1. You can't count your hair. :O 2. You can't wash your eyes with soap. :O 3. you can't breathe when your tongue is out :O ...........
Bloke goes into a bar and nails a quadruple whiskey in one.
Off to Portugal this weekend Cascais to be precise, and it's sodding raining there. At least the rain will be warm lol.
Front Come to Opuss and write a while Back Nobody cares in what style.
The birds are outside singing, singing my song. Staying in my bed is where I belong. Today is the start to my weekend off. Chillin is all I'm thinking of.
I'll do anything for love But I won't do that. What was Meatloaf referring too ??.
There's a hole in my bucket Fuck it.
Humpty Dumpty hasn't got a clue. Sat on a wall to have a poo. Lent forward to wipe his arse. Fell off the wall, and made us all laugh. There he laid in a thousand bits.
The best album from fleetwood Mac Everybody should have this album in their collection ?. It's my most favourite album This album was released in 1977.
Death has no hidden agenda or timetable so to speak The second of my funeral's is on Friday of this week I should be there really, to help and support a mate.
I didn't know you well. No one is to blame. We spoke so few words. But words were never needed. We shared the open road together. Clocking up miles and smiles. I'll be there for you on Tuesday.
Why is it, as we get older we tend to go to fewer Weddings, but go to more funerals ?. I went to a wedding two weeks ago And I have two funerals to go to next week Bummer.
I was on kik but now I'm gone Wasn't anything that you did, that was wrong I just felt I didn't belong.
Front Jokers, story tellers and poets, lend me your eyes. Back Come and join Opuss and you'll be surprised.
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
Drugs Test (This was written by British Soldier) What he says makes a lot of sense!) I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
Front Come to Opuss and spread the word Back You may even make a friend or two, it's not unheard.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body, which is evan more useful when erect. PNESI People who wrote SPINE became doctors.....The rest are all my friends.........
So glad I painted my garden fence. It looks lovely in all this rain.
After all these years, I've managed to reach the grand old age of………56 today.
My favourite rank 69 with 2 watching.
I have both an iPhone and iPod touch. I shall have music where ever I go.
For @CodsPollocks I ran out of fuel once In my youth, my first bike was a Honda 175CD a nice red bike.
So are you making the most out of the your bank holiday weekend off ?. I worked Saturday and Sunday. Once I've posted this, I'm off to paint the garden fence (again) second coat.
I've only been gone a short while, and there are so many F N Gs on here already F N Gs Fcuking New Guys Awesome Opuss reaches out.
Sorry I've been AWOL for a while. This due to headaches sore/tired eyes and boarder-lining on the edge of a migraine. I have missed Opuss ?.