"London's not ready for me yet"
A naive statement which should have went, "I hope I'm ready for london"
Today I went to London to see my dad in hospital, he is recovering from a heart attack.
Me and my brother were getting a lift up there with my uncle ray. Rays a nice man, it's just we have never been that close to my dads family for reasons which I don't feel happy to fully share, the details are irrelevant for now anyway.
The awkwardness was noticeable from the start. But I suppose that is just normal for men in my family, we have never been great conversationalists. But before long we had found our common ground in football and started chatting away about that. This was starting to turn into really good quality time with an uncle who we had never really known.
Apart from one detour because of a crash we got there in good time. Luckily ray still watches west ham play quite a lot and was born in Stratford, so he knows his way round the part of London we were in,
that didn't stop the rain though.
So we dashed as quick as we could to the hospital trying not to get soaked.
We arrived and went in all the way to where my dad was without anyone even saying anything. "We could have been anyone" , I thought. There should have been more security I think, but again that is besides the point.
Naively I didn't think there would be much to scare me from what I had gathered his operation went well and he was recovering, but I think it probably would have been better to leave it a while.
My dad wasn't anything like the dad I know. My dad has never been sick in his life, well from what I have seen. Yeah he smokes and eats bad food but he has always seamed so strong. He was the county champion boxer for two years, he's always been the hardest man I know. To see him in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of him, clearly distressed trying to unplug all his support was upsetting to say the least.
The worst part was I could see he was afraid and my dad is never afraid. This made me be strong for him, tell him to relax, calm down and listen to what the doctors was saying. This is the first time I had ever felt he wasn't in control, he must have known as well. This was the first time where I've felt the little boy inside of me had to man up and be in control.
Needless to say tears were shed, but after leaving I felt like a weight had been lifted. I didn't feel afraid of things like I was before I went in. I knew inside me that if the man I have always looked up to as so strong can be so weak like that. Then I have to be strong from now on.
I have to start being a man. My dad can't keep it up forever.
I want to be successful so my dad never has to work again. Because I don't think he could keep up the work load he has been doing, he has way to many debts as well. It was an experience I never thought could happen, even on the way there I hadn't fully imagined how shocking the whole thing would be.
It made me realise that life is way to short to carry on being afraid of stupid things. I know that I need to start doing rather than just saying.
All the nice stuff I have been writing is lovely and I enjoy writing them because I enjoy feeling the emotions as well.
But there's another side of me as well, which I have not shared. So this is sort of a warning to young followers and followers with a delicate taste, some of my posts might not be smiles and sunshine anymore. I have a darker side and it will not be suppressed. I need to share all parts of me good or bad.
Thanks for understanding.
I will add at the top of the post if I think it is 18+ material.
Thanks for reading, I know I can be up and down like a yo yo, hopefully this won't be the end.
XSTABLISHX
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