Pain #1

To start off with, I have to say, I'm not quite sure if what I had was actually anorexia. Its hard to say. I was not taken to a specialist or a doctor about it. I don't think they realised quite how serious it was. But I know it was an eating disorder, (possibly an ednos -Eating disorder not otherwise specified- ) because thê way I ate was very abnormal. The fear I felt towards eating was much to large and out of proportion. I can see that now. But to start it off, my eating disorder discretely slid into my life, around late September. It was a gradual thing that I just didn't see. Starting with just not eating. The intense pride i felt in withholding from consuming food and the disgust in myself I felt when I caved. On my iPod, I had a myfitnesspal account. Which is an app, that lets you set a calorie goal and then you log food in your daily diary and you can keep a tally on how many calories you were eating. Then at the end of the day, it would post to all your "friends" whether or not you had stayed under your calorie goal. (By friends I mean random girls over the internet, most of who I had made friends with on Instagram. So yes I had a calorie counting problem. as many people say, once u start counting calories, you can't stop. This is partly true. I never thought I'd be able to stop. but I did.
Now on to my Instagram account. I had (and still do but it doesn't get much use now) an instagram account that was secret. I let everything out on there, when I cut(yes i often got out the razor when i felt so bad about myself. Ynfortunatly the razor never helped though): )when I ate, when I didn't eat, when I felt like shit, when I wanted to die, what was going on in my world. I could talk to These people. they were my "friends," when people I knew would not understand because their lives were so damn perfect. That's all for now, I'll write another tonight. I'm not sure if this is actually a smart idea or not, so please give feedback