When asked how he would like to die this man said:
"I would like to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming and yelling like the other passengers in the car he was driving!"
(this joke's not my own, I was told it by someone, but I thought it was a great one to share!)
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"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for days. Crawling on their hands and knees and at death's door, they see a tree in the distance.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have had a really bad day before you died.
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
@lukeboy10 #thegreatestjoke *no offence to blondies on the 3rd joke Well I don't know what kind of jokes people like, so I'm going to write many. 1. I sent out a text saying: hey, guys.
A confident salesman walks into a house, pours dirt onto the floor, and says to the shocked woman who lives in the house: "if this vacuum cleaner can't clean away this dirt.
The Queen missed out on a great opportunity tonight... Instead of opening the games, she should have stood and said: "I now hold hostage the heads of state of 200 countries.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk.
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