liam7
I love church Like grandpa talking Church is fun Like going for a long run Church is warm Like the North Pole Church is loud Like a funeral Church is interesting Like watching ice – skating
Spongebob: Bye Squidward! Bye Mr. Krabs! Byyyee Squidward! Patrick: Spongebob? Why did you say goodbye to Squidward twice? Spongebob: I like Squidward Spongebob: Can you hear me? Patrick: No, it's too dark Spongebob: Patrick call the cops…
People are saying they should lower the voting age to 16. Twilight won 9 Teen Choice Awards. You really want them voting for the next president?
There's "hell" in hello, "good" in goodbye, "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "ex" in next and "if" in life.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jona…
I dont like the saying " what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" I think it should be " what doesnt kill you makes you wiser" because if you It doesnt kill you will not do it again!
It was the 26 of july 2000.The young french man was very excited.He was going to start a new life in America.He had worked in the local bakery for three years and finely got enough money to get a one way ticket to the big apple! What was al…
I really wanna meet Katy Perry! I saw her in my Teenage Dream once! It was Last Friday Night I think! That was the day when I Kissed A Girl We were watching fireworks And the next thing you know we were Waking Up In Vegas I was in Ve…
I haven't been on opuss in awhile and I noticed I can't find the person who was no. 1 but she's gone. What happen?
When I have kids and they're not following my directions .. Me:Do what I say or I'll do to you what I did to your older brother Them:What older brother? Me:Exactly... -- -- I have unlimited texting but nobody texts me. I feel like my cell…
Me: "Meet my girlfriend." Parents: "Why are you showing me your computer?"
Screw an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone", I know what to do.
I remember i used to laugh at plankton because he was married to a computer , but now im pretty much plankton.
My teacher is always talking to her imaginary friend called 'class'
Girl 1: My boyfriend looks best in skinny jeans. Girl 2: My boyfriend looks best in leather jackets. Girl 3: My boyfriend looks best in work out clothes. Me: My boyfriend looks best in 1080p HD. -- Girl: Hey, are you coming tonight? Guy: U…
Learn how to spell. Auto correct isn't always write! --- Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- --- The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a bl…
When i grow up, i wanna be an imaginary friend What do you do when u have a tiger chasing you from behind, a bear on your right and cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK BUTT OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!! Art Teacher:"I need your assignments." …
On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted links, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 game …
What happen to @nobody? I can't go on he's profile what's wrong?
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you …
If dicks were planes your mouth would be an airport.
❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ Helping Mario get his bitch Peach back! **************** Dear Voldemort, they screwed up your nose too?! Sincerely, Michael Jackson. **************** You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Sincerely, banana. …
Apple was going to make a smaller version of the iPod Touch for kids, until they realized that iTouch Kids sounded really wrong and awkward. *************************
Playing truth or dare-- Me: Truth or Dare? Friend: Truth. Me: Who do you like? Friend: Did I say truth? I meant dare. Me: Fine. I dare you to tell me who you like. Friend:
IACOCCA (the former Chrysler President/CEO)stands for: I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America Bush (the American President): Beat Up Saddam Hussein However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming. Osama (WHO doesn't kn…
Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches. When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he f…
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went there? That's God playing Sims. He just cancelled your action.
In the restroom... Girl in next stall: Omg is that you?!? Me: Uhh... yeah I guess... Girl: Oh my gosh!!!! It's been soo long! Me: ..yup... Girl: So do you want to hang out some time soon? Me: Well, I barely know y- Girl: (on phone…
B-E-F-O-R-E not B4. We 're speaking english,not Bingo...
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you …
This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try ju…
math test: a farmer plants 7 crops of tomatoes and 3 crops of carrots what is the probablity his moms name is leslie history test: the american civil war ended in 1865, explain how this had a defining role in the extinction of dinosaurs. …
Me : We had a surprise test today Parents : And... Me : I was definitely surprised
*when at someone else's house* Normal people: oh, what a lovely house! Me: what's your wifi password? DID YOU KNOW? there are 4 people in the u.s. with the name "Jesus Christ". -- If you stand in frond of the mirror and say "bloody ma…
Four men in a prison cell, a rapist, a murderer, a psycho and a gay person. The rapist says, "IF THERE WAS A CAT HERE I'D FUCK IT WITH ALL MY STRENGTH". The murderer says, "ONCE YOUR DONE WITH IT, I'D TORTURE IT TO DEATH". The psycho says, …
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you." She then touche…
*2 minutes of school left* Slowly and secretly packing up... Teacher: NO PACKING UP!!! Like if it happens to you!
when there is a hair in your mouth and you cant find it so you're just grabbing your tongue....in public
So,today I cleaned my room... ...turns out... ...I have a floor...
Dear Lily, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home, we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last blonde family that lived here took the house numbe…
Brunette mom: i found cigarettes under my daughters bed...i didn't know she was a smoker. Redhead mom: i found beer under my daughters bed... i didn't know she was a drinker. Blonde mom: i found condoms under my daughters bed... i didn'…
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnaped you." She then wrote a note sa…
A rich guy and a poor guy are playing football and the poor person scores a brilliant goal and says " bet you can't do that!" and the rich person pulls out €100 and burns it and says "bet you can't do that!"
Ok heres a tricky one, A man was found in the dessert dead with a rock beside him, nobody was there to kill him and the rock didnt even hit him how did he die?
╭━━━━━━━╮ ┃ ● ══ ┃ ┃███████┃ ┃███████┃ ┃███████┃ ┃███████┃ ┃██████┃ ┃███████┃ ┃███████┃ ┃ ○ ┃ ╰━━━━━━━╯ Like if you got one ...
Some people dont sleep because they have insomnia, i can't sleep because i have internet connection. -- The shortest horror story ever: No food left. -- Dear person who said that a condom was too expensive to buy, The average child cos…
A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, a…
Brunette: I love Eminem!!! Blonde: I prefer skittles. Brunette: No idiot I mean the rapper! Blonde: Well you're the idiot, who cares about the wrapper, the stuff inside is the important bit! Duh! Brunette: Blonde: Pssh! And you call me …
Pussy meant Cat Sex meant Gender Bitch was a Female dog Dick was a Name BJ was a Nick-Name Bang was a Sound Rubber was just like Plastic Ass was an animal Screw was a Nut Tit was a snack Head meant part of the BODY!!! But now.... Everthin…
Evil live Innocent die On their flesh Evil survive Without them They will also die It is an irony Evil survive Sinless perish Good keep on Fighting Knowing very well One day they shall die Evil keep smiling Forgetting When they di…
Teacher: * draws crappy heart on the board; "Class, do you know what this is?" Student 1: I think it's an ass. Student 2: Yea, it's an ass. Teacher: No! Where do you guys know this?? I'm calling the principal! Principal: Alright guys, why a…
What I think is awesome, Is cats that do kung fu, Is ice cream flavoured pineapples, And floating kangaroos Is unicorns on Jupiter, Is rainbow apple pie, Is peanuts that do jumping jacks, And tacos that don't fly Is puppies on a trampolin…
I may be soft and hairy I change colors I have a twin Without it I wouldn't be complete I can be a shield I go inside my cousins body That's really why I'm here 3 likes for answer
A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight ar…
Wouldn't you think it would be boring to spend the whole day snoring? Just lying around on your bed thinking about what to do tomorrow morning. My cat will sit very patiently by my feet for a small but tasty piece of meat. A cat's life ma…
I am something you have, and you need me to survive. Sometimes, depending on the future you can see me, other times you can't. There is also a a board game named after me.
What stays in a corner, yet travels the world? 4 likes for answer
Who is Eatonlynch? I read that he copied stuff From the Internet. Is that true?
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis: The Wife said she was sleeping. The Cook was cooking breakfast. The Gardener was picking v…
" Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the lttee…
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and 100 pennies came out Yo mama so old that her bible is autographed Yo mama so fat she layed down on the beach and everyone said free willy! yo mama so stupid that she asked me the number for …
Go to Google.com and then type exactly what is in here: "Google chuck norris" then click on [im feeling lucky] .... The page says: google won't search for chuck norris because u don't find chuck Norris, he finds u" IF U DONT BELIEVE ME…
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.
------------------------------ -------- Gf: 370HSSV Bf: huh? Gf: turn it upside down Bf:... ------- Me: Hey Friend: Hey Me: How are you doing? Friend: How are you doing? Me: Reply me first! Friend: Reply me first! Me: Stop copying me! Frien…
I think I may be a talented photographer. I took just one photo with my camera phone and it asked me if I wanted to open a gallery....
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards. All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun. The masked man said "Give me all your money! "Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't …
A blonde a brunette and a red head all walked into a church they wanted to drink the holy water but the preacher said no you can't drink the holy water unless you do something wrong so they all left The next day the girls walked back into …
A blonde walks into a pet store and 10 minutes later, she walks outside smiling. The clerk then see's a goldfish flopping on the floor so he runs out and asks the blonde, "why are you so happy miss?". The blonde replies with, "well, I w…
Just imagine how fast church would go if Busta Rhymes was the priest
Me: I got good news and bad news Dad: Ok whats the good news? Me: I saved the school from a fire! Dad: OMG THATS AMAZING! Whats the bad news? Me: I have a C in math Dad: YOUR GROUNDED Me: But I saved the scho- Dad: IDC!!! YOU SHOULD…
----------- When someone tells you to, "expect the unexpected", slap them in the face and ask them if they expected it ----------- Make elaborate Hogwarts rejection letters. Put in mailboxes of enemies ----------- When you get pulled over …
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
scroll down!!! \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ …
------------------------------- Student: Would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Student: Good, because I didn't do my homework ----- Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign Teacher: What sig…
••••••••••••• 1.Boyfriend: Hey babe, do you want to see a magic trick? Girlfriend: Sure baby :) Boyfriend: POOF, you are single. •••••••••••••• 2.*Someone follows you on Twitter* YAY, a new follower! *Someone follows you in real life* HOL…
Son- Hey dad. Can I ask you a question? Dad- You just did. Son- Well then can I ask two? Dad- You just did. Son- CAN I ASK FOUR THEN? Dad- You just did. Son- When?! Dad- Just the then
Poem I wrote myself. (: Roses are red Violets are blue. Death is coming Coming for you He's holding a knife He has a gun He'll take your life So you better run. Run as fast as you can To the next room Away from the man Who will kill…