Little Tabs Of Blue

Warning!
Adult content.

I'd like to tell a story
About my 'you-know-what'
Not so much your 'Morning Glory'
More a limp 'Forget-Me-Not'
So I phoned my good mate @gazplend
He's a kind of 'Jack-the-Lad'
But the bastard turned me over
Now I wish I never had..........

Brrrnng... Brrrnng...

Hello?...Is that you, Gary?
Jimmy here...I've got a prob,
In fact it's quite embarrassing -
I'm having trouble with my knob.
I'm getting ear-ache from the missus
To tell the truth she's really miffed
I've always been a big boy
But I need a sort of "lift".

Ha ha! Always been a big boy?
That's not what I have heard!
More like a 'chipolata'
According to that bird!

What bird!? That tart from Liverpool?
The one who looks like Sally Gunnell?
Well, I kid you not
Her 'honey pot'
Is like the Mersey tunnel!

Ha ha! I'm only joking
Don't get your knickers in a twist!
I've been with her
And I must concur
I'd rather fuck my fist!
But let's get back to business,
You know you can rely on me
Just tell me when you want them
And I'll send them over, C.O.D.

3 days later...

Brrrnng... Brrrnng...

Hello?... Is that you, Gary?
What the fuck was in those things?!
My nuts are turning septic
And my manhood really stings!
What have you done, you wanker?!
My manhood won't stop growing!
An evil smelling gas
Is coming from my ass
And my "bell-end's" really glowing!

Well, er, they're not exactly kosher,
Oh, come on! You know the score!
I, um, got them from Sienna...

Well, that explains it - say no more!

Then I made him tell the truth about the little pills of blue,
Made by some dodgy chemist
In his allotment shed in Crewe.

There's something else I meant to tell you
But I honestly forgot -
Don't take more than half a tab...

Oh, fuck! I took the lot!

Now that was many moons ago
But it's still growing week by week
I tried to slip the wife a length
But she said "Fuck off you freak!"
So I'm left here on my lonesome
Feeling sad and in disgrace
And every time I take a leak
I piss right in my face!

But all clouds have silver linings
And I've fulfilled a boyhood dream
'Cause thanks to Gary's tablets
I've made the British pole vault team!