danish
WHAT KIND OF PHONE DOES DOG USE? I don't know. It has my teeth marks where I bite and shake it. It says NOKIA on the front. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL APPLICATION OR WEBSITE? I just had to Google "application" and “website”. That was …
If anybody would like to ask DOG a question on technology, please leave it as a comment on this thread. And I will publish all the answers on our next post Woof.
DOG: This morning the postman RUBBED my BELLY DOG: DID YOU TELL HIM TO DO THAT? I might of mentioned it DOG: YOU REVEALED MY WEAKNESS TO MY GREATEST ENEMY HE'S NOT YOUR ENEMY DOG: I'VE BEEN BETRAYED BY MY OWN BUTLER IM NOT YOUR BUTLER
DOG: Saturday tomorrow Yep DOG: then it's the WEEKEND Yes, it is DOG: WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN Are we? DOG: WE CAN STAY UP LATE AND TALK ABOUT GIRLS Jesus, do you KNOW you're a DOG? DOG: YES DOG: DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE GAY?
DOG: watching Olympics Enjoying it? DOG: too many countries Right DOG: why not just have one country? DOG: HUMAN LAND DOG: THE SHITTEST PLACE ON EARTH
DOG: BORED DOG: YOU NEED TO MAKE MY ENVIRONMENT MORE STIMULATING I gave you a sock to play with DOG: OH YEAH. THE SOCK DOG: HARRY POTTER HAS GIVEN DOGGY A SOCK Alright... DOG: DOGGY IS SO GRATEFUL TO HARRY POTTER DOG: STUPID HUMAN …
DOG: WHERE ARE YOU? Buying paint to redecorate the living room I'm trying to choose a colour... There are two options... DOG: BACON Bacon is not an option DOG: BLACK PUDDING
DOG: do I have knees? I don't know... Are they not more like elbows? DOG: ELBOWS IN MY LEGS? I DON'T KNOW DOG: OMFG IM FREAKING OUT DOG: ARE THESE ANKLES OR WRISTS??!
STOP BARKING IM TRYING TO SLEEP DOG: I'm doing the twilight bark Like in 101 Dalmatians? That's a REAL thing? DOG: duh, yeah Who are you talking to? DOG: Ted the Terrier next door What did he say? DOG: "YO MAMMA'S SO FAT SHE WEARS A …
What the hell are you doing to our neighbours cat, she just text me? DOG: the old lady next door called me ADORABLE FFS let it go DOG: BATDOG IS NOT ADORABLE DOG: BATDOG IS THE CANINE INCARNATION OF FEAR LET IT GO YOU PSYCHO DOG: I DI…
DOG: AM I GAY? I don't know. Are you attracted to man dogs? DOG: YES Well then DOG: AND LADY DOGS DOG: AND CHAIRS DOG: AND PILLOWS DOG: DUCKS DOG: LEGS DOG: I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO THE WORLD Right. You're Globesexual... So glad I h…
DOG: Mr Postman's just made his delivery... Leave him alone DOG: he thinks he's going to get away with it Leave. Him. Alone DOG: I'm in the passenger seat of his car GET OUT OF THE CAR DOG: dude, chill DOG: I saw a dinosaur do this i…
DOG: have you noticed how I don't lift my leg when I wee? Because you fall over DOG: no Yes. I saw you try it once. You FELL OVER DOG: That was a COMBAT ROLL DOG: I thought I heard a GUNSHOT It's because you're a bit fat DOG: what's …
DOG: Come and untie me I'm in the shop. I'll be out in a minute. DOG: COME AND UNTIE ME IMMEDIATELY Be PATIENT DOG: THERE IS A CHILD STROKING ME DOG: SHE SAID 'WHO'S A GOOD GIRL?' Are you a good girl? DOG: I AM BATDOG. THIS IS UNACCE…
DOG: :) Stop it DOG: stop what? Stop stealth farting under my bedroom door DOG: hell you talkin about? You know what I'm talking about YOUR DOING IT RIGHT NOW DOG: shhh. Let's just enjoy it
DOG: Did you move the chair in the living room? Yes. It looks better this way DOG: IT'S WRONG DOG: NOW I HAVE TO BARK AT IT FOR THREE HOURS
DOG: Found the stick Good boy! Bring it back DOG: couldn't find the stick you threw but got a better one Ok... Where are you? DOG: it was next to an old guy sitting on a bench PUT THE STICK BACK DOG: stop changing the rules
DOG: Got wet outside Ok. Stay in the kitchen DOG: In the living room GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN DOG: HAVE TO SHAKE Do NOT shake DOG: Gonna SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE DON'T SHAKE DOG: WHOA. Someone soaked the living room btw
DOG: CHASING MY TAIL GET IT! GET THAT TAIL DOG: ALMOST GOT IT DOG: ALMOST GOT IT DOG: ALMOST GOT IT DOG: ALMOST GOT IT Try changing direction DOG: OMFG TAIL CHANGED DIRECTION TOO That sneaky BASTARD
DOG: I swallowed a spider Now you will have to swallow a bird DOG: why? To catch the spider DOG: the spider will dissolve in my stomach acid Right DOG: are all humans as stupid as you?
DOG: buy me a drum kit No. DOG: buy me a drum kit NO DOG: if I played the drums, we could be RICH Dogs do not play drums DOG: that's what you said about texting. Look how that turned out YES. LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT DOG: THAT'S WHA…
DOG: buy me a drum kit No. DOG: buy me a drum kit NO DOG: if I played the drums, we could be RICH Dogs do not play drums DOG: that's what you said about texting. Look how that turned out YES. LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT DOG: THAT'S WHA…
DOG: How's your day going? Boring. How's your day? DOG: AWESOME. Tired now Running up and down the stairs again? DOG: no, just put on R.Kelly's 'Bump and Grind' and had sex with your pillow THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING. STOP HAVING SEX WI…
DOG: tip top day. Made a new enemy Stop. Making. Enemies. DOG: he drives around in a van playing music to LURE KIDS INTO HIS WEB OF EVIL He sells ICE CREAM. DOG: YEAH? WELL BATDOG SELLS BARKS AND HE JUST BOUGHT A LOAD OF THEM Ohh Scraa…
DOG: when we meet people stop saying "this is my dog" WTF do you want me to say? DOG: say NOTHING, your my butler. That is all. Right, what do I call you? DOG: MASTER WOOFINGTON VON BARKSHIRE Sir SQUISHY FACE the 1st. DOG: VON BARKSHI…
DOG: a wasp is in the house Ok. DOG: want me to get rid of it? Can you? DOG: Sure DOG: where do you keep the guns? Forget it
DOG: WANNA SEE MY IMPRESSION OF SEAN CONNERY'S DOG No. DOG: WANNA SEE MY IMPRESSION OF SEAN CONNERY'S DOG OMFG fine DOG: WOOFSHH Stop texting me at work
DOG: did you call me? I'm busy Just got a text from the neighbour. STOP TWATTING AROUND DOG: I'm NOT. SHES LYING Shall I forward you her text? DOG: YES "Your stupid pug just ran through my garden with a bath towel wrapped around his he…
DOG: SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE HOUSE FUCK. Are you ok? I'm coming home. DOG: No need. They didn't take anything. They just did a poo on your bed that looks a bit like one of mine I hate your stupid squished fucking face
DOG: enjoying your muffin? Yes. Where are you? DOG: that's not important DOG: what does that muffin taste like? Blueberry DOG: and? That's it. Blueberry DOG: and... DID YOU LICK THIS? DOG: like a LOLLY POP LMFAO
You're quiet. Where are you? DOG: I've been planning a sneak attack. On me? DOG: that's right punk Lol, you can't sneak. I can hear your fat little body a mile away on the laminate flooring DOG: OH, yeah. You're right. I'm being SILLY.…
DOG: GOOD MORNING It's 7 PM DOG: I just woke up I just finished work DOG: IM EXCITED I'm tired DOG: TOUGH. WHEN YOU COME THROUGH THAT DOOR IM GOING APE SHIT
DOG: I'm writing my autobiography Right DOG: so far I have the title Good DOG: want to know what it is? Nope DOG: THE BARK KNIGHT RISES Like the batman film DOG: Who the HELL is BATMAN?
DOG: lol got into in the neighbours garden GET BACK IN OUR GARDEN DOG: OK, jeez RIGHT NOW DOG: OMFG I said ok ARE YOU BACK YET? DOG: stuck in the neighbours cat flap FFS WHY WHY WHY WHY DOG: OMG I think the cats smelling my ass
DOG: A TRAIN! No. DOG: YES NO DOG: YES NO DOG: YEEEESSSS YOU CANNOT RUN FASTER THAN A TRAIN DOG: IDIOT, IM LIKE THE FUCKING WIND
DOG: I just spoke to my friend Ted the Terrier That's nice DOG: Ted said the vacuum isn't attacking me Is that right? DOG: Ted said YOU'RE attacking me USING the vacuum That vacuum HATES you DOG: you're a monster
DOG: NEED TO GO OUTSIDE Just getting off the bus now DOG: NEED TO GO OUTSIDE I'm on my way DOG: NEED TO GO OUTSIDE JUST A SECOND DOG: NEED A MOP FUCK SAKE
DOG: since you taught me to text human I'll teach you how to speak dog on one condition What's that? DOG: buy me sausages EVERY day for the next 6 weeks DEAL DOG: ok. We'll start with the basics: 'WOOF' Right, what does 'WOOF' mean? …
DOG: in human years I would be 47 years old DOG: how old are you? DOG: HELLO? How old are you? 27 DOG: HOLY SHIT I'm old enough to be YOUR DAD DOG: YOU'RE GROUNDED Hilarious DOG: ME AND YOUR MUM MADE SWEET LOVE WTF? DOG: I took it…
DOG: who would win in a fight... I hate ur stupid games DOG: ME VS A SHARK Shark. DOG: ME VS A BEAR Bear. DOG: ME VS A TIGER TIGER DOG: ME VS A T-REX FFS PICK SMALLER ANIMALS YOU IDIOT DOG: me vs a hamster? Hamster.
DOG: LIFE IS PASSING ME BY Well, let's do something EXCITING this weekend little guy. DOG: THIS weekend? Yeah DOG: can't. I'm busy Busy DOING what? DOG: lying down and stuff
DOG: who are those people in our house? Guests DOG: why? Just having a wee party DOG: are you going to introduce me? No. DOG: not to ALL of them, just the girl in the blue jeans. No. DOG: JEEZ I DON'T EVEN WANT TO MEET ALL OF HER, J…
DOG: LAMP IN THE LIVING ROOM FELL OVER Ok DOG: FREAKED ME OUT Take a deep breath DOG: NOW I HAVE TO FIGHT IT NO YOU DON'T DOG: I DO, MATTER OF HONOUR N STUFF OMFG IT FELL OVER, IT DIDN'T INSULT YOUR FAMILY DOG: new rug feels nice ag…
DOG: think the sofa cushions are planning another ambush Those comfy BASTARDS DOG: backfired though, I captured the leader and water boarded him for intel on their next attack Water boarded? DOG: yeah. He got stuck down the toilet. Thin…
DOG: I'm guarding the house Good boy. DOG: BATDOG now has a signature weapon What's that? DOG: the BONERANG Worst. Weapon. Ever. DOG: I have a motto, want to hear it? Not really DOG: I'll KICK YOUR ASS, LIKE THE BALROG YOU SHALL NOT…
DOG: your the best. I love you x Aw, xx (btw it's you're not your) DOG: OH IM SORRY, DID THE TEXTING DOG MAKE A GRAMMAR MISTAKE Don't get hysterical DOG: OMG MY DACING ELEPHANT HASN'T MASTERED THE TANGO YET Point taken DOG: how's this…
DOG: we have to a have bath together... Nope. DOG: THEN we drop a TOASTER IN THE BATH That would kill us. DOG: you're an idiot. WE'D SWAP BODIES OMFG stop watching shit films.
DOG: I'm going to grow a moustache. You kinda already have one. DOG: it's not big enough Ok. How you going to do that then? DOG: DUH you buy me moustache seeds and I plant them under my nose Yep! That's totally how it works. What kind …
DOG: why you put me in garden? Because you would drown. I have to call someone to fix this flood. DOG: DAM BUSTERS That's if you NEED a flood DOG: GHOST BUSTERS They bust GHOSTS. The clue is in the NAME. DOG: DUST BUSTERS Please just…
DOG: you bought dog shampoo? Yes DOG: what for? Because you smell like a gorilla's dick. DOG: THAT'S MY SMELL What are you doing in the bathroom? DOG: I was running a bath and had the AWESOMEST IDEA EVER I thought I told you not to t…
DOG: what will you do with me when I die? Flush you down the toilet. DOG: is my death a joke to you? I'm having you stuffed. DOG: OMG that would be AWESOME DOG: you can keep me on your desk I'll get a pencil sharpener installed in you…
DOG: knocked bin over. Drank some stuff What stuff? DOG: dunno, blue silvery stuff Red bull? DOG: brain feels all ELECTRICKY Lie down. DOG: OMG you left the bedroom door open. DOG: did you want me to wee on the bed? NO DOG: But you…
DOG: Where's my belly button? What? DOG: WHERE'S MY BELLY BUTTON? Do dogs have belly buttons? DOG: DID YOU CUT THAT TOO? CALM DOWN DOG: YOU CALM DOWN. IM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.
DOG: walkies? Want me to take you for a walk? DOG: I'll take YOU for a walk Let's get that collar around your neck then. DOG: let's get that lead around your wrist IM WALKING YOU DOG: ARE YOU? STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD ASSHOLE
DOG: you shouldn't swear so much. I think you're compensating for something. You're not a psychiatrist DOG: that's irrelephant Irrelevant. DOG: IRRELEPHANT IRRELEVANT DOG: IT MEANS FUCK ALL Whoa, calm down Freudo.
DOG: it's raining here :( DOG: is it raining where you are? I'm upstairs. DOG: is it raining there? We're in the same house. I'm upstairs. DOG: IS IT RAINING THERE? WE'RE IN THE SAME HOUSE DOG: WHY ARE YOU AVOIDING THE QUESTION? OMF…
DOG: I'm in the garden I know, I'm working from home today. DOG: I can't find that pizza crust you threw out here. There was no crust. I was only pretending haha. DOG: I've licked your toothbrush everyday for the past two weeks haha! O…
DOG: awesome day. I'm doing power slides in the kitchen with my NEW SIDEKICK Sidekick? DOG: yep. Found him in the garden Found? DOG: they're fast. They're strong, they are BATDOG and ZOMBIE PIGEON Get that dead pigeon out my house righ…
DOG: why are you such a clean freak? WTF DOG: why does EVERYTHING have to be spotless? DOG: OMG POLISH THE GLASS, POLISH THE GLASS You ran into the patio door with your wet nose again DOG: I COULD HAVE DIED YOU TWO LEGGED BUMHOLE
DOG: SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO! Where are you DOG: WE'VE GOT SOME WORK TO DO NOW DOG: SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOO Where are you. DOG: WE NEED SOME HELP FROM YOU NOW Twat. DOG: fuck you. That was fun
DOG: where are you? Where am I? WHERE ARE YOU? DOG: at home eating the rest of your pop tart IM IN THE PARK DOG: what are you doing there? WAITING FOR YOU TO BRING BACK THE STICK I THEW AN HOUR AGO DOG: oh yeah DOG: totally couldn't …
DOG: I've hatched a plan DOG: we put up posters of me 'MISSING £500 REWARD' Right. DOG: then, I HIDE. BUT, I tell YOU where I'm hiding Ok DOG: then, you come and 'FIND' me. DOG: AND WE CLAIM THE REWARD. You're an idiot.
DOG: what's for dinner tonight? Friday night take out for me. Dry dog food for you. DOG: Bluugh. Ok, I've laid the table. How did you do that? DOG: knocked one of the legs and it got LAID lolz WHAT?!
DOG: your shirt fell off the hanger Fine. I'll hang it back up when I get home. DOG: don't you want to wash it first? I just washed it. It'll be fine. DOG: right. Have you pissed on it? DOG: little bit. You're a fucking arsehole.
Have I left my iPod at home? DOG: yes Where is it? DOG: definitely not in my mouth
DOG: stop neglecting me OH MY GOD. I'm NOT neglecting you. DOG: I'll call the RSPB Jesus, you're an idiot. They protect BIRDS. DOG: THEN ILL TELL THEM YOUR AN OSTRICH DOG: I'll ring dogs trust. They never put a healthy dog down STOP W…
DOG: the sofa cushions are ganging up on me. No they're not. DOG: Sorry, are you here? Don't patronise me. I know when I'm being attacked. Yeah alright. Calm down. DOG: it's because I had sex with one of them Then you deserve it. You …
DOG: the postman's coming up the path Ok. DOG: he thinks he's going to deliver some letters DOG: he forgot one thing What's that? DOG: BATDOG
DOG: HELP! COME HOME QUICKLY! What's the matter? DOG: IT'S AN EMERGENCY Whats wrong?!! DOG: IT'S TIMMY Who's Timmy? DOG: TIMMY'S TRAPPED DOWN A WELL Smart ass. DOG: you just got lassied LOL
DOG: where is mr duck? Don't know. I'm busy. DOG: WHERE IS MR DUCK? Again, I don't know. DOG: i'm stressed. I need to bite mr ducks sweet plastic body FFS. I think he's under the cupboard in the bedroom DOG: my head won't fit under t…
DOG: where is mr duck? Don't know. I'm busy. DOG: WHERE IS MR DUCK? Again, I don't know. DOG: i'm stressed. I need to bite mr ducks sweet plastic body FFS. I think he's under the cupboard in the bedroom DOG: my head won't fit under t…
DOG: what u doin? I'm working. DOG: what was my mum like? She seemed alright. I only saw her once. DOG: so it was a one night stand? What? DOG: you just 'hit it' and 'quit it'? I'm NOT your BIOLOGICAL FATHER YOU TWAT
DOG: do you think I could be a police dog? No. DOG: why not? Don't think you've got the nerve. DOG: WTF? My nerves are STEEL. You jump at the sounds of your own farts. DOG: THEY SNEAK UP ON ME DOG: could u train me to fight? Like, f…
DOG: guess who left the back gate open? Get back here NOW. I'm waiting... Where ARE you? GET HOME NOW! DOG: I'm stuck. FFS where? DOG: underneath the neighbours fence. I try to squeeze through Bet ur regretting all those dog treats n…
DOG: why you shut me in room? You know why. DOG: no I don't. You do so. DOG: because you using vacuum cleaner? Your smarter than you look. DOG: your not, you've got a face like a pug. So do you. DOG: yeah... But I am a PUG your an u…
DOG: just done a busy on the kitchen floor WTF! I let you out before I left DOG: yea, I thought you weren't ever ever ever coming home....... so I panicked I have to eat in that room. You disgust me DOG: least you eat on a table. I hav…
DOG: hey genius. You left the handbrake off. No I didn't. DOG: yes, you did. NO, I DIDN'T. DOG: ok. You 'didn't'. I guess I'm rolling down the hill in someone ELSE'S car. OMFG! DOG: this is awesome.
DOG: you got a letter. Ok. DOG: from the bank, I think Ok. DOG: tasted important.
DOG: you hear me barking? DOG: what if they was a burglar in the house and your just ignoring me Is there a burglar in the house? DOG: I hope not. Well then, go to sleep. DOG: I can't. I think I heard something outside. Theres nobody …
DOG: I'm watching a documentary on hurricanes That's nice. Are you learning anything? DOG: not really Has it mentioned hurricane Katrina? DOG: were there pants and socks in hurricane Katrina? That's the fucking washing machine.
DOG: how long til u be home? Told you I'll be in at 7. You ready for walkies!? DOG: YES. CAN WE TAKE THE BALL You want the ball? DOG: YES! Who wants the ball DOG: ME. GIVE ME THE BALL You really want the ball? DOG: YES! BALL DOG: W…
DOG: hey. Why you keeping another dog in the bedroom. Christ. I've told you before - that's a MIRROR. The dog is YOU DOG: oh. Ok
DOG: why you no txt me today? I'm busy. DOG: you on gay opuss app instead of texting dog? No. I'm working. DOG: just ran up and down the stairs 19 times without stopping. NEW RECORED Wow, this is literally the proudest day of my life. …
DOG: I need a girlfriend You can't have kids. I had you 'done' remember. DOG: WHAT?! I read a book that said if you weren't planning on breeding you should get them neutered because in later life they get frustrated. I did it because I l…
DOG: Have you got crisps upstairs? No. DOG: I thought I heard rustling. You were mistaken. DOG: I'll come up and check FFS alright I HAVE crisps but they're MINE DOG: yeah DOG: I'll just come up at watch you eat them.
You have received a new SMS message. DOG: Fun day. Ran around the house in a cape. I'M BATDOG LOL Where did u get the cape? DOG: I think role playing helps alleviate my boredom. I feel so alive WHERE DID U GET THE CAPE? DOG: I pulled t…